January.

January has been emotionally rich.

Joyful. Pained. Frustrated. Grateful. Confused. Excited. Tense. Exhausted.

In the midst of finishing out Bella’s first year on earth, watching her personality come alive, and all the joy that is in those moments.  In the midst of true gratefulness setting in for this amazing year that we have been able to have with her.  In the midst off all this happiness, two events have given the ups their downs.  Two events have left me speechless.  The rollercoaster has created a tension that stills my heart and stirs my soul.

I can feel the tension.  Sometimes I wonder if the tension can feel me.

Event One:

On Tuesday, January 12th at 5pm, the earthquake hit Haiti.  The news about it, however, didn’t hit my ears until Wednesday morning at 8:30am.  My heart sank.  I’ve had this awkward burden for Haiti because of 2 unrelated incidents: one literary and one catalytic.

Literary: A Lover’s Quarrel with the Evangelical Church gave me a new insight into short term missions.  Smith illuminated the problem of doing for others what they are able to do for themselves.  A mission should be doing for someone what they cannot do for themselves; however, the culture that has developed in Haiti as a result of improper missions has left a population feeling worthless and demotivated.

Catalytic: My brother Eric and I went to Catalyst Conference in ATL in October of 2008.  Haiti Water Project had a booth where they were handing out free shirts, TOO CLOSE TO IGNORE screen printed across the front and back.  The fact that people wake up everyday and don’t have access to clean drinking water hurts my soul.  It amkes me want t vomit.  I start thinking about the fact that I use drinkable water for my lawn and my toilet, and it makes me sick.

So back to the burden.  I’ve wanted to help.  I just don’t know what will.  And in the wake of this earthquake, I have been confused.  There are tears that well up, just behind my eyes, but with the helpelessness that overwhelms me, my cheeks stay dry.

Event Two:

On Sunday January 17th, I got a call from my mom while I was on the other line.  After checking my voicemail, I gave her a call back and found out that my brother had been stabbed in downtown Reno.  My heart ank.  “He’s ok.  They took him in for surgery right away, and he should be fine” came through the speaker, into my ears, and I still couldn’t find the will power to take my hand off of my mouth.  I couldn’t believe it.

Something about the sound quality in a cell phone call makes comfort and reality seem distant.

Bella still needed to have her bottle before we put her to bed for the night, and it was less than 2 weeks now till her birthday.

I could feel the tension.

Luckily, a window opened up and a friend of mine dropped all his plans and we beat the storm.  Louie opened his house to me, and I got to see Eric and pray with him. We got over and back in time to miss all the snow.  And all the while, the tension is there.  And in some way, it’s a blessing.  Because at least I feel something.

I want everything to be right.  I want it so bad, that I can feel it in my bones.  I guess this is what He meant when He said “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.”  Maybe living in the tension of “everything is amazing” and “everything is broken” is ok.

Maybe the tension does feel me after all.